and what has he learned, he wonders? all he’s done since the archangel arrived is fallen back into old patterns, old habits. he’s forgotten every lesson he should have held onto and replaced them all with desperation. ]
…he said that he loved me.
[ whether he meant to or not, he impressed some responsibility onto dextera. ]
[ There's a soft growl of a sigh in his throat hearing that. It's not like he doesn't know. The Archangel tells him all the time that he loves him. Because he's a willing stand in for his brother. He hoped he would absorb those declarations for this brother to protect his heart. Their heart. But it seems the Archangel had chosen to be bold regardless. ]
If he could get you under his thumb, I am sure he would tell you anything. Even if it is true... I feel like it is how one loves a possession, not a person.
[ Not that he knows anything about love... But he knows how the Archangel looks at him, how he speaks when he's laying his brother's visage onto Sinistra's body. He can't see it as the kind of love he would want to bear from another in any other circumstance.
Sinistra, despite his self loathing, only wants to be cherished after all. ]
[ logically, dextera is aware of this. the archangel says what he needs to say in order to get what he wants. that’s how he ran the order of malkuth, and that’s how he manipulated dextera when he had no memories. the only thing protecting dextera now is that the archangel still thinks he’s suffering from amnesia.
it’s not a lie he can keep up for long. ]
Yes… Yes, I think so too, and yet…
[ dextera can’t stop himself.
he curls against his brother, breathing out a wet sigh for the tears that he’s sure won’t actually come. ]
[ his poor brother. He's so burdened by that man. Unfortunately, this has proven killing him would be impermanent. Even if he does end up snuffing him out in a fit, he'd still come back obnoxious as ever.
He pulls his brother close to his chest and presses a kiss against the crown of his head, trying to comfort him gently. Trying to be a real big brother like he knows he should be.]
In your heart.... He has taken up much space. His strings are still wrapped around it... Tightly. It is hard to untangle it, I suppose.
[ the archangel is a puppetmaster. that’s a role he’s always filled well. ]
There was a time when I thought I could escape him.
[ dextera had become so sure of himself, but he realizes now that maybe it had all been a farce. he simply tricked himself into individuality, and that had been a fool’s errand. denying the archangel completely simply isn’t in his blood, and even the absolute god seems to know this about him—even alice, even eliza. he’s intertwined with the archangel in a way they could never be. ]
He needs me. That should be a power I have over him, but I just feel…
[ it's hard not to insinuate that that man should just jump off a cliff, but it's what he wants to do. He gives Dextera a gentle squeeze.]
He has always needed you and always had power over you... Even from my limited view in that place... I knew. Your dynamic is unchanging. Only your awareness has grown.
[ the way sinistra puts it is so accurate that dextera flinches. it’s true. their dynamic hasn’t changed at all, because dextera knows no other way to be. ]
No, it is not... if he is the one in power, should he not be the one to change to fix it? I would think so. I only wish you would not be so close to his spines. If he were to prick you... I am not sure I can heal you.
[ his brother is so reasonable. maybe this is what sitting in a tower for a decade will do for you—for as much as he knows his brother is imperfect and stunted, he’s wise. his backbone has been forged out of necessity. dextera is barely holding himself together. ]
I understand… what Doctor Angelicus must have felt.
[ love and fear. some hate. and so many other things he can’t begin to describe. ]
[ He knows he is hypocritical in some ways. In some ways, he knows he too is bad for his brother despite his desperate feelings of wanting to tether himself to him. Despite the bit of spite he feels, knowing his brother will only listen to him with one ear in this situation.
His heart -- their heart -- had been stained by that man long ago.]
And you know what became of her... How her baroque had become grotesque.
[ …it’s not a very generous memory of angelicus, but it’s true. she was warped by her conflicting ideals. if dextera were still in that world, he wonders what shape his baroque would begin to take. ]
[ it’s not selfish. there’s something satisfying for dextera in hearing sinistra claim them to be, at least in this way, the same. he’s still trying so hard to move away from that line of thinking—that they’re one—but at times like these, it’s a comfort to know he’s not alone in himself. ]
I’m sorry. [ softly, as he clings now to his brother’s side. ] I’m not trying to make us hurt.
[ He turns his head and presses a kiss to his brother's brow and squeezes him gently. He isn't sure he can keep forgiving him for his waning resistance when he knows, in secret, he himself is trying so hard to distract that man and sate him. It's not like Dextera knows that. It's not like he'd TELL him. But in Sinistra's warped reality, some part of him feels he should sense his efforts.
Still, he'll keep trying, hoping that he can do something to stop his brother from being totally absorbed by that man again. ]
I understand... it is something to be aware of... I want you to try. For your sake more than mine.
[ dextera just wonders who among the three of them will break first. they’re all delicate in their own ways, and they all three cracked a long time ago. the archangel has the illusion of control now, but that will only last as long as dextera lets it—and dextera might not be able to maintain it for much longer, either.
saying that, though, is like admitting a loss. so he keeps it to himself, just as sinistra has his own secrets. ]
[ It's a fair concern. Cohabitation with the Archangel is hazardous for both of them. Sinistra wants to be strong against his whims, but he has more weaknesses than he cares to admit. There are marks and bruises on both of them from fighting. It's a constant stand off with the occasional faltering from Sinistra when he's needy, lonely. Moments he's ashamed of later.
He knows his brother also teeters on the edge of two extremes. It's three bodies, balancing each other, doomed to fall the moment one missteps.
He holds tighter to his brother. ]
Ah... of course. I have a lot of time to make up for. To learn to be a good older brother for you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
No... That man is responsible for himself. He has to know how to survive on his own here. Just like you have learned.
no subject
and what has he learned, he wonders? all he’s done since the archangel arrived is fallen back into old patterns, old habits. he’s forgotten every lesson he should have held onto and replaced them all with desperation. ]
…he said that he loved me.
[ whether he meant to or not, he impressed some responsibility onto dextera. ]
no subject
If he could get you under his thumb, I am sure he would tell you anything. Even if it is true... I feel like it is how one loves a possession, not a person.
[ Not that he knows anything about love... But he knows how the Archangel looks at him, how he speaks when he's laying his brother's visage onto Sinistra's body. He can't see it as the kind of love he would want to bear from another in any other circumstance.
Sinistra, despite his self loathing, only wants to be cherished after all. ]
no subject
it’s not a lie he can keep up for long. ]
Yes… Yes, I think so too, and yet…
[ dextera can’t stop himself.
he curls against his brother, breathing out a wet sigh for the tears that he’s sure won’t actually come. ]
no subject
He pulls his brother close to his chest and presses a kiss against the crown of his head, trying to comfort him gently. Trying to be a real big brother like he knows he should be.]
In your heart.... He has taken up much space. His strings are still wrapped around it... Tightly. It is hard to untangle it, I suppose.
no subject
There was a time when I thought I could escape him.
[ dextera had become so sure of himself, but he realizes now that maybe it had all been a farce. he simply tricked himself into individuality, and that had been a fool’s errand. denying the archangel completely simply isn’t in his blood, and even the absolute god seems to know this about him—even alice, even eliza. he’s intertwined with the archangel in a way they could never be. ]
He needs me. That should be a power I have over him, but I just feel…
no subject
[ it's hard not to insinuate that that man should just jump off a cliff, but it's what he wants to do. He gives Dextera a gentle squeeze.]
He has always needed you and always had power over you... Even from my limited view in that place... I knew. Your dynamic is unchanging. Only your awareness has grown.
no subject
…is it my fault?
no subject
no subject
I understand… what Doctor Angelicus must have felt.
[ love and fear. some hate. and so many other things he can’t begin to describe. ]
no subject
His heart -- their heart -- had been stained by that man long ago.]
And you know what became of her... How her baroque had become grotesque.
no subject
Yes.
[ he sighs. ]
Yes, I do. I know.
no subject
It may be selfish, but your happiness is also mine. And also... Also, a brother wants to see his brother safe, I think. I think. That is normal.
no subject
I’m sorry. [ softly, as he clings now to his brother’s side. ] I’m not trying to make us hurt.
no subject
Still, he'll keep trying, hoping that he can do something to stop his brother from being totally absorbed by that man again. ]
I understand... it is something to be aware of... I want you to try. For your sake more than mine.
no subject
saying that, though, is like admitting a loss. so he keeps it to himself, just as sinistra has his own secrets. ]
I will try.
[ his quiet, almost childish voice. ]
Thank you, brother.
no subject
He knows his brother also teeters on the edge of two extremes. It's three bodies, balancing each other, doomed to fall the moment one missteps.
He holds tighter to his brother. ]
Ah... of course. I have a lot of time to make up for. To learn to be a good older brother for you.